3 - Gootense

Basically, if SpongeBob and DarthVader had a baby...

If you’re reading this dating blog from the beginning, there’s a 70% chance you’re a woman. If you’re a woman who’s ever seen #GreysAnatomy, there's a 84% chance you were at one time obsessed with McDreamy. In your infatuation with that luscious hair and those dangerously sexy eyes, you almost undoubtedly stumbled upon Enchanted, the masterpiece in which he stars opposite Amy Adams. If you haven’t seen it, please do so! The film depicts the delightful story of a cartoon Fairytale Princess who comes to life through a series of evil-stepmother machinations. The princess walks around NYC bursting into song, gesticulating exaggeratedly, twirling and swirling and speaking like, well, the real-life cartoon character that she is.

And this, my friends, was Gootense. His nickname is a portmanteau of his two most obvious characteristics: He was hella goofy and hella intense. A living cartoon character. Naming credit belongs to my boss’ brother. Thanks, Trevor!

His mannerisms were quirky, over-the-top, and endearing. He’d employ character voices to get his point across-high pitched to convey excitement or surprise, gravelly and low to indicate danger or suspense. And yes, he would sporadically burst into song. He was one of the most expressive, animated people I’ve met, outside of my own dramatic family.

Gootense didn’t speak like mere pedestrian folk. He did above and beyond what was required in every situation, especially when it came to using words. The kids today call it “extra”. Whereas most people would text “Good morning, beautiful.” Gootense would pen “Early salutations, my fair and comely friend.” Oh, how fun! Instead of “How was your day?” Gootense’s message would read “Pray tell, spin me a tale of your day’s proceedings.” Cute, right? What I loved about him was that he was unabashedly himself. And as a fellow goofy and intense person, it immediately gave me permission to be who I was as well.

Each message we sent on the dating app was long and detailed. Given that we were both intense, we got into really deep subjects - religion, sexuality, our shared celibacy. Gootense slipped past my height radar basically on accident. I might have been drunk-swiping. Anyway, in his profile pic, he wasn’t super cute, but he had a great smile-which, in Gootense fashion, took up his whole face. After one week, several hours of phone conversation, and three silly videos of us singing #SpongeBob and child limericks to each other (yes, y’all, we did that) we met at a bar and grill in Lower Greenville.

Now, I’m pretty easy to find in a crowd. Not because I’m particularly remarkable physically, but because I have blue hair and I’m usually the only black woman around. This evening, I was undoubtedly easy to spot in my tangerine orange curve-hugging dress. And yes, I'm curvy. Not like, fat people curvy. Actual curvy.

He sees me walk in, rises and walks over to guide me to our table. Luckily, he’d chosen a spot where the TV was in full view. The Warriors were playing the Rockets in the playoffs, and I wanted to be sure I could keep tabs on the the 10 ballers balling.

As he approached, I was pleasantly surprised to see he was better looking in person than in his profile (1 in a million, y’all) and 5’11 didn’t really seem that short on him. Gootense had great lips, a head full of short light-brown hair, and crystal blue eyes. And, in the goofiest of fashions, he wore a shirt with a cartoon-stylized planet Earth on it. Cartoon arms outstretched from Earth as if to give the viewer of said t-shirt a hug. Not the most fashionable, but very befitting his goofy side.

We sit in a booth by the window under amazingly unflattering light. He begins to tell me about his day at work. He's in the medical field, saving lives and whatnot, and he launches into one of his detailed, entertaining stories of life in an ambulance/hospital. I order my standard amaretto sour. He’s on his second beer and says, “What say you about partaking in any of these delicacies presented on the menu?” (Translation - do you want food).

Laughing, I reply, “Sure. I’ve had the calamari and it’s pretty good.”

“The underwater creature it is, then,” he decides.

We order the calamari steaks, and he continues with his hilarity. Needing a potty break, I excuse myself and head to the bathroom. While staring at my spider eyes in the mirror, wondering what the hell I was thinking putting on so many coats of mascara, I notice I’m legit sweating. And it’s creeping on through my dress. Dang it. Who wears a light color to a date in the summer?

I attempt to dab with a wad of paper towels and realize, this is a losing battle. It’s 90 degrees outside, I have on a tight dress and there’s no paper towel in the world absorbent enough to win against cotton. He's had to have seen worse on a stretcher, right? #Beyonce declared “A little sweat ain't never hurt nobody," and I'm not one to argue with Bey, so I return to the table and order another cocktail. It’s officially a two-drink night.

We start talking about our siblings, sharing pictures and funny stories. He’s engaging, respectful and his look is starting to grow on me. Two hours pass and our waiter approaches our booth and announces, “My shift is almost over, I just want to see if either of you need anymore drinks before I head out.”

“I’m good, thanks,” I reply.

Gootense nods in agreement, “You can bring me my check.” He pauses and gestures toward my side of the table, “And if the lovely lady is okay with it, I’d like to pay for her drinks as well.” Oh, the chivalry of it all.

“Sure, thank you. I appreciate that,” I reply with a dazzling smile. And yes, I know it was dazzling because he stated, “My, how your smile is dazzling” right after.

He scribbles his signature on the check and then inquires, “Would you like to go on a walk and take in the evening air?”

“Well certainly, old chap.”

He and I walk along Greenville, lost in conversation. Very nice, but my sandals were designed for short walks to a bar stool, not long walks in the park, so we return to the restaurant shortly after. Intense as he is, he pulls up an app called “First Date” which randomly presents questions for each person to ask of their partner to get to know one another. It started digitally, why not continue that way, right?

I love this part of dating - getting to know someone, asking random questions, and obviously so does he. We continue our back-and-forth with questions like “What’s one thing you know now that you wish you knew last year?” and “What’s one conflict you’re working through right now?” for about 45 more minutes.

Eventually my yawns get the best of me (it’s nearly midnight at this point) and I tap out. We hug and he says he’d like to go out again. Okay, he actually says, “Our time together has been most enjoyable, would you care to convene again in the near future?”

I smile and reply, “I’d like that.”

Test 1: Passed.

Test 2: Passed.

Verdict: You’ll see.

Click for Date 4 - Sebastian