6 - Pufferfish

Basically just me and The Old Farmers Almanac...

I call this gentleman Pufferfish because I'm kind of mean. If you've been reading this from the very beginning, you already know that by now. If not, you’ll see.

Puffer was cute enough in his photos. He was height appropriate, had green eyes and all of his pictures were of him working out in the gym. Again, I'm not super into #CrossFit gods or gym rats, but I do work out 5-7 times per week so I appreciated the dedication to his physique.

We agreed to meet up at a Starbucks on a Thursday evening. I recycle my original pink dress from my date with El Primero. You'll notice a theme here-I'm not buying new clothes for these dudes. Well, except for the very last one, but we’ll get there.

I arrive at the coffee shop and text Pufferfish, “Hi! I’m here.”  He replies “Haha Me, too I’ve just been sitting in my car. I’m coming.”

Strike one. Sir, I need you to have the confidence to get out of your car so you can greet me when I walk in. His next text says he's wearing a grey hat and blue t-shirt. I'm thinking-look bro there's no one else in Starbucks. When you walk in I'll know it's you simply because you are a living, breathing human being. Plus I have a photo of you.

But I'm horrifically mistaken. The photos on his profile might have worked in 2015 or 2016. Maybe even 2017, but the those photos  were definitely not of the year of our Lord two-thousand and eighteen. The 40+ lbs this man had acquired definitely took more than 5 months. This level of gainage was the result of a sustained eating effort. When he stepped, his stomach moved. In his blue t-shirt, it looked like rippling ocean waves, the way things jiggled around in there. He was puffy. I’d been catfished, sort of. Thus Pufferfish.

If you’re thinking I’m overly harsh, please revisit this blog post. He pulled a diddle! If the middle jiggles more than a little, I do not fiddle. I’m straightforward, y’all, no riddles.

I resolve to spend at least an hour and fifteen minutes with him, and then I’m throwing the deuce and getting Chinese food. I feel it’s the right thing to do, since he did properly ask me out. Plus he bought my mocha, so it would be rude for me to leave immediately.

There’s a nice breeze out, so I, feeling brave enough to risk the underarm dampness, suggest we sit outside. He obliges, and we sit under a dark green Starbucks-branded umbrella tarp. He’d mentioned in our messaging he was in Montana recently and travels a lot, so I ask him about his travels. That's exciting, right?  Wrong. It's only exciting if there’s excitement...none of that going on here. I forgot to mention Pufferfish is an engineer. He communicates like one.

I say,”I've never been to Montana. Tell me about it.”

“It's nice, it's really nice there,” he replies.

“Ah, cool. Where else have you been?” I ask.

“Well, I'll tell you,” he says. Then he literally begins to list places. Actually lists.

“I've been to Northern California. I've been to Southern California. I've been to Colorado,” Pufferfish drones.

“Oh!,” I exclaim, “I was in Colorado last year for my best friend's wedding! It was amazing. What part of Colorado were you in?”

“Well, we went to #Aspen to ski.”

“Oh, wow. What’s that like?” I ask.

“It’s nice. It’s really nice,” he responds underwhelmingly.

“I bet,” I chime, “I've tried skiing before, but I wasn't very good at it. How long have you been skiing?” I’m trying here, people.

“Well, me and my friends go every year, but I haven't finished telling you the places I've been,” he states dryly.

“Oh. Okay, please continue.” Is this real life?, I wonder.

“I've been to Arizona. I've been to the Four Corners. I've been to Seattle,” he lists with zero gusto.

“Oh, the Four Corners. That seems cool, what was that like?”

“It was nice, it was really nice. I've been to New York City. I've been to New Orleans…”

And this is what I sat through for an hour, people. An hour of an Excel sheet of travel. I feel like I should get a Mother Teresa badge or something. They offer that in #GirlScouts, right?  

Finally, 9:15 arrives. I announce I'm hungry and going to head next door to get Chinese. To-go. Pufferfish walks behind me, oddly, as I trot towards the restaurant. It's closed. I turn and say, “Well it's closed, so I'm going to drive over to the one around the corner.”

Heading back to my car and I say, "Thanks again for the coffee.” He’s still a few paces behind me as I arrive at my driver’s side door. I turn to grab the handle and say “This is me, so, I'm going to go get dinner now. Are you going to get something?"

He's says, "Oh, this is your Mustang? Sure, I’ll get something," and he opens the door to my car and gets in. What!? It happened so lightening fast I didn't know what to do. Big boy has some quickness on him! Noooooo, I internally scream in horror, not an invitation, sir! Get out!

But he’s already in my freshly detailed coupe, ass comfy in my passenger bucket seat, belt buckled for safety.

So this sweet, but oh-so-boring, portly gentleman rides with me to Wok Palace. I order my shrimp fried rice. He stands awkwardly behind me as they hand me my takeout.

I drive back to Starbucks, slow down to 10 MPH, push his behind out of my car, wave as he tumbles to the ground, and hit the gas.

Test 1: Pass

Test 2: No thanks, I'll just read an almanac.

Verdict: Pufferfish asked me out a second time and I let him know he's very sweet, but I don’t think we're compatible romantically. He sent me back a smiley face emoji. And because I know you’re wondering, my Chinese food was good, but they did skimp on my shrimp. There were only 7 shrimp a-frying in that pan before they poured it in my styrofoam container. Seafood karma, maybe?

Click for Date 7 - Gootense the Sequel