4 - Sebastian aka Crusty Crab

A complete waste of eyeliner...

I gave them all code names in my original post, but don't feel bad using this joker’s actual name because 1-He’s a chocolate soft-serve ice cream emoji and 2-Nothing I'm saying is worth suing over. And he probably actually has crabs, 9 crabs a-crawling, in fact. So it’s fitting.

In his pictures Sebastian was tall, his skinny head crowned with curly brown hair. Very Mediterranean looking. He used a lot of emojis in his texting, which we kept pretty surface level. We only texted for two days before deciding to meet at my go-to bar near my place in Addison for drinks on a Sunday afternoon. 4PM to be exact.

I’d been out of town that weekend and was exhausted from my travels. I wanted to cancel and just rest on the Lord’s day of rest, but given that I try to be a woman of my word (emphasis on try for anyone reading this who may be on my softball league) I kept the date. But I procrastinated like hell before getting ready.

What was I doing when I should have been fixing my hair, showering, picking out an outfit and drawing on my eyebrows? Well, I was making a video on my phone of me doing a yoga pose. Half-moon, to be exact. Why? Keep reading, you'll see ; ). Seven takes and 20 minutes later, I hurriedly throw on a striped strapless dress and some old, dusty Wal-Mart flats. I need to throw those away.

To my breasted readers-have you noticed when you’re in a hurry, you can never find the right bra? How, ladies? Statistically, how? I grabbed the first strapless one I could find which was, abiding by the rules of the universe, the worst bra I own. The over-the-shoulder-boulder-holder in question never stays up, but I was too late to look for another. I fastened the flimsy clasps and prepared myself for an evening of attempting to tastefully tug up my titties.

I’d messaged Sebastian at 3:50 to let him know I was running about 5 minutes late. Like Speedy Gonzales with a beauty blender, I dab-dab-dabbed my foundation on with one hand, and smeared deodorant onto my pits with the other.

I speed walk to my car, hop in the driver seat and whiz (within the speed limit whiz, of course) the 3 minutes to my destination. I make the last-minute decision to apply the last of my favorite liquid eyeliner while sitting at the red lights.

It's exactly 4:06 by the time I pull into the parking lot. Surely he's waiting inside with eager anticipation of his lovely digital damsel. Wrong. I put my black Mustang in park and call his lanky behind.

“Hello?” he answers. He sounds flustered.

"Hey, I just pulled in. Are you inside?" I ask.

A beat.

"Oh my gosh, I'm so sorry I forgot. I'm on my way to East Texas. My friend needed help with his house. I'm so sorry." Triflin response (linked for my white readers), no thank you.

"Okay, that’s fine." I retort sweetly. Then I hang up and delete his number.

He deleted his profile the next day, and that's the last of the ghost Sir Flake-A-Lot.

For all of you thinking I’m being harsh-eye roll. His apology was insincere. Please know, I fully realize things happen outside of our control. In fact, I stood up Gootense (on accident) before we first went out. The difference is, I made a big show of feeling bad and making sure my date didn’t feel unimportant.

Sebastian could have done the same; he chose not to. Instead, this crusty crab chose one of the three worst excuses dudes make:

1-I forgot.

2-I was busy.

3-I fell asleep.

My brothers, either get creative and say “I got caught in a hot air balloon” or just own it and say “I don't care enough about you to do things I don't want to do.” Easy peasy.

And for those of you thinking I shouldn't count this nonsense as one of my twelve dates because it technically wasn't a date 1-Again, my blog, not yours and 2-I put on eyeliner for this dude, so it counts. What a waste! My good eyeliner, too!

It wasn’t all bad, though. I went in and ordered my favorite cocktail anyway. Plus I now had my outfit planned for my next date (but with better shoes).

Test 1: N/A but he probably would have failed.

Verdict: Off a cliff, crustacean. And under the sea with you.

Click for Date 5 - Little Drummer Boy